At the time of me writing this, I am about 4 and a half short months away from becoming an adult, and after revisiting some of my past online activities, I thought I would share a few shower thoughts about it, and why things were the way they were.
Around the time that I was actively maintaining this site, I was in a really weird, cringey and just not that great part of my life in terms of my personality, and this resulted in a lot of issues with people online, which eventually led to me essentially quitting creating content online besides from this website, which pretty soon after I abandoned as I got bored of webdev work.
One of the earlier examples of my issues online was back around 2015 on Blockland, where I would routinely act very childish (I mean, I was 8 years old, what do you expect…) and constantly beg for admin, this led to a pretty bad reputation on the forums, including when I would interact there asking for help with game issues, a reputation that would only get worse under a new name, the one this website uses.
This continued on into around 2017, when I started making videos on various online video sharing sites, not many issues happened here, besides me just being cringy as expected for my age, but around 2018 I ventured into a livestream chatroom, something no 11 year old should be doing.
I learned my lesson the hard way when I met a former friend who later turned out to have many issues with chronic lying and pretending to be someone they were not, admittedly I also had issues starting around this time, such as parental influence on my political beliefs (if you could even call the that, it was all parroting anyways to try and fit into what my father wanted.) which only added fuel to the fire, overall the situation lasted a few years, of various people trying to reach out to me after I ended this friendship.
But the major lesson here was that I shouldn’t have been in these places at the time, my age made me quite vulnerable to this stuff, plus my father didn’t seem to be very smart when it came to keeping things private (gotta love alcoholism causing people to not think very well…) leading to even more info that could be used to feed the fire that was this whole situation.
Around 2019 I continued being annoying on Blockland, this time WAY worse, usually I was fine, but one time I did something quite bad, which I only recently remembered, and was most certainly more parroting of the opinions I was surrounded by at the time, one night on a Blockland server, I forgot how, I ended up getting into an argument that led to me admitting I was “I’m a nazi, boo hoo”, which only further destroyed my own reputation over at the forums.
(as if that place wasn’t toxic enough, man I should have stayed away from the big servers at the time, that game was probably one of the most toxic things I was involved in as a child)
After this not a lot else happened, as the game continued to go downhill in terms of playercount and I moved onto other things.
My real change as a person started around late 2020, and really seemed to take off around mid to late 2021 (in terms of my feelings on politics), due to my own self discovery of my identity and sexuality, which opened me up to a new perspective on politics, due to the very people I used to identify with due to influences online and in my family turning out to be people who would hate me if they knew who I REALLY was.
For a while arount this time I continued to discuss politics occasionally with a new friend group forming in school, which I joined in late 2020 as well, however my discussions were quite a bit tamer, and around 2022-2023 I pretty much stopped discussing it entirely, except for a few discussions with a close friend of mine, which also led me to moving further away from the influences that I was previously under which caused me many issues in the past.
Due to these new identity discoveries I pretty much had to move on anyways, as I could not bring myself to identify with people who can’t even handle me existing, and also because of new opinions on LGBTQ rights which was also something that the people I was influenced by would have hated, and so would have I in the past, but due to my discoveries of myself, it was something I had to change.
*sneeze*
Looking back on my past now that I’ve mostly grown up, and from my new perspective, it’s easy to see how I was people-pleasing and trying to fit in by being the way I was back in 2019, with my very right-wing opinions, which were pretty much all just stolen from my father anyways, because doing anything different would have felt weird to me, and at the age I was, I didn’t really have opinions otherwise.
It took until I actually discovered myself and in the process saw the issues in the world I didn’t know about, invluding ones that now involved myself and my friends, for me to actually form opinions which differed from what I had learned from my enviroment.
So, what I would have to say to past me, is that you should definitely be careful with who you socialize with online, and please, keep politics out of areas they should not be in.A
Also I know what you are going through having to deal with people around you trying to influence your opinions and trying to involve you in politics, despite your age, as this is something I am still having to deal with, and it’s even harder now as most of it seems crazy or hateful to me now, so I have to pretend I agree even if a lot of it is actually hateful towards me, also please don’t go admin begging online, it never ends well, and FOLLOW THE RULES on age limits on sites online.
You definitely were NOT mature enough to go on voice chats with people at the time, and I promise, things will change for you, this isn’t permanent, you will eventually find the people who care about you, and find who you ACTUALLY are, and how you like to be seen online, as well as finding a whole lot of new hobbies to eventually share, and you will get better at doing so.
And for the others reading who may have seen my actions at the time, I am sorry for what I did, At the time there were a lot of things influencing me, such as my age and maturity, and most of my problematic traits were due to enviroment, and I have changed a lot since then, however I do not have any real plans to come back to this website, or video creation under this name (wouldn’t work anyways, my YT got banned for an unknown reason) besides from this quick update, as I have moved onto other things, and have moved on from this online identity.
maybe one day I will share what I am up to now, but for now that is something I want to keep seperate, or maybe this will all float away into the nothingness of the Internet graveyard that is unmaintained sites, and sites that no longer exist, and this identity will simply be a relic of a past time in my life that no one else remembers.
For now, that is all that I have to say….
So long and sorry for my stupidity y’all, maybe I will come back to this, maybe not.
- The person who was formerly Jacob07, webmaster of jacob07.neocities.org